“But don’t let your illness stop you!!!1!1!!”
I’m not “letting” my illness stop me it just plain IS stopping me it’s an ILLNESS it makes me ILL that’s what it DOES.
Everyone needs to read this.
Seriously. People seriously do not fucking understand the concept of “SICK AND WILL NOT GET BETTER,” or “NO, ACTUALLY, THERE’S SHIT I CAN’T FUCKING DO.”
An eating disorder is a confusing thing.
You will fucking hate yourself to the point where you want to rip your skin to shreds, and you will feel so fat to the point where you want to literally cut the fat from your stomach with a pair of safety scissors. You might still be fat afterwards but at least you wouldn’t live to see your disgusting body for one more day.
But the confusing part is that you can hate yourself with every inch of your mind, and you can make a million and one plans to lose weight, but you still take that bite of pastry. You take that bite and then you take another, and one bowl of cereal becomes six bowls, and one chocolate bar becomes three and at the end you’ve eaten three whole boxes of cereal and a whole jug of milk.
And it doesn’t help.
After you realize what you have done you will only hate yourself more. You will not feel any less hateful, or any less empty. Sometimes people say they eat so they don’t have to feel empty anymore, but this deathly over-eating will not fill the emptiness inside your chest. In fact, eating those three boxes of cereal will only extend your feelings of hollowness, because you will more often than not try and compensate. The food you ate only fuels your self-hatred, and you feel like you need to get rid of it. So you stick some fingers down your throat or you take a few pills, and then the emptiness fills you in a new, sickening but also addicting way. And that is what is so god damn confusing about this disease. You want to lose weight so badly but you can’t stop biting into that fucking food.
You think you are going to have control over your food, that’s why you started in the first place, right? Well, good luck with that. Because the minute you give into an eating disorder behavior, the food will slowly begin to control you. You were never in control, and until you recover, you never will be."